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Misery Loves Company (Sept. 6)

Unemployment Rises, Wrong USF Business Professor Acts Like His Prediction Was Right

"The unemployment numbers are consistently coming in higher that expected,'' said Jon B. Fisher, an adjunct professor at USF who previously led three Silicon Valley start-ups -- so obviously he should know all about unemployment.

Governor Fires Students and Keeps Cal Grant Money

Gov. Schwarzenegger decides to slash student jobs and Cal Grants to balance the stalled budget, in hopes that between hooking up and smoking weed college students wouldn't notice.

Fresno County Releases 800 Prisoners and Lays Off 50 to Save Money

Obviously public safety is a drain on upper management, so Sheriff Margaret Mims decided to make it easier on herself and those higher-ups. Unfortunately the prisoners then proceeded to steal the county jail.

Families Overwhelm County Buildings for . . . for these weird things called books and CDs?!?

Archaeologists have uncovered odd buildings in many cities and counties call "libraries," an ancient temple for things called "books" and "CDs."

"I hear that they were kind of like iPods but held, like, only six or seven songs," said Brittnei McJobs. "They're kind of weird." McJobs had no recollection of anything called a book.

Top 10 Things to Do When Laid Off (Bay Area)

10. Call employed friends at work and tell them you're wearing "Hello Kitty" pajamas, drinking beer and watching "Oprah." Ask, "How's your day?"

9. Buy loads of beer with your first unemployment check.

8. Stay up until 4 a.m. playing "Spore" and listening to ABBA, wake up at noon and head out to the nearest public park. Lay around on grass with laptop beside you, to make people think you're a rich hipster.

7. Teach cat to walk on a leash.

6. Buy witch hazel for scratches.

5. Write a book. Or lie on the grass with the laptop beside you.

4. Give the gift of life at $100 a cup !

3. Give the gift of life at $8,000 per unpleasant gynecological procedure!

2. Sign up the person who terminated you for embarrassing magazines at the workplace, like American Cheerleader or Twist.

1. Go to a career one-stop, attend a class, and after every key point say in a foreign accent, "Then do I give the happy ending?"

Misery Loves Company (Aug. 25)

Hey, sorry, was on vacation until Saturday. Vacation when unemployed? Well, yes, especially when it was planned months before you were laid off!


Vudu Lays Off 15 Percent of Staff, May Retire Lame Name for Another Start-Up

TiVo tells them to "Suck it!"


DHL Closes Boise Call Center, 105 Workers Can No Longer Lose Track of Packages

"Oh, we will still manage to lose records," said Garn McGoogle, "but just at a much slower pace."


Media Amazed that Laid-Off Wall Streeters Bake Cupcakes, Cut Hair, Tend Bar

A 27-year-old vice president at Bear Stearns opens cupcake biz, another cuts hair in strip mall. I think that's called unemployment for most people.


Abbott Labs to Lay Off 1,000, Leaves Where a Mystery

Spokeswoman said cuts would happen globally (Alameda) but in some super-secret, top secret way.


Whitehall Jewelers Future Looks Cloudy, Mrs. Field's Cookies are Burnt

Mall jeweler, Whitehall Jewelers, will liquidate its 373 stores, leaving customers to buy precious jewels at Walmart or Target. Mrs. Field's files for bankruptcy, leaving customers to bake cookies at home. The humanity!

Misery Loves Company (Aug. 13)

Longoria Leaves IBM Micro, Goes Back to "Desperate Housewives"

Eva Longoria, who also has a doctorate in electrical engineering, leaves IBM to concentrate on "acting."

Lumber Co. Lays Off Last 12 Employees, Celebrate by Clear-Cutting National Monument

Stimson Lumber Company in Montana will cease operations, 25 years after being told the lumber industry wasn't sustainable.

Wachovia Lays Off 600, Will Only Make Loans for $5

"Sure it sounds stupid, but it's about volume," said CEO Bryce McBucks.

Spreckels Sugar Co. Laying Off 202, Nutrasweet does fist-pump of Victory

Spreckels Closes Mendota, Calif. plant leaving a town without refined, processed sweetness. Residents protest possible drop in rate of diabetes.

Misery Loves Company (Aug. 11)

Shutterfly closes Hayward facility, swats more than 100 jobs away

Shutterfly flew too close to the bugzapper of death, at least in Hayward, and is moving to Phoenix, where shutterflies apparently roam free.

Queen of the Valley in Napa Lays Off 81 of its Subjects

The hospital plans to cut costs by having patients act as their own nurse and do rotating bedpan cleaning and IV refreshing.

DMV to Eliminate Saturday Service, Gov. Nixes Plan to Find Eighth-Graders to Work for Doritos

"As it turned out, the ethanol boom has created very, very expensive corn snacks," the governor said. "Doritos, as it turns out, are more than we can afford. Instead, we will use generic 'flavored tortilla chips.'"

Office Depot Drops New Stores, No One Notices

Office Depot initially had 75 stores to open this year and has since lowered that number to 15, getting rid of 60 stores by painstakingly soaking them with 2 million bottles of its 99-cent multipurpose correction fluid.

Misery Loves Company, Aug. 6

Hawaiian Hotels Cut Staff, Sends Others to Exotic Vacations in Midwest

"It's ridiculous," said professional ukelele instructor, Pombo Ka'anali'i. "I usually only winter in Schenectedy and now I'm being forced to go there and deal with all that heat and sun."

Weyerhauser Chops 1,500 Jobs, People Confused it with Wienerschnitzel

The cuts in paper and container workers will help the company go back to their truly profitable center where there's tons of job security -- logging.

Hynix Semiconductor Lays Off 1,400 in Eugene, Ore., Workers Go Back to Being White Trash

"It was only a matter of time before I went back to selling meth," said engineer McGinty McCrank.

Misery Loves Company, Aug. 5

SF Chronicle to Lay Off 125, Stories to be Written by Ninth-Graders

When asked, publisher Frank Vega said, "Why ninth-graders? Because they work for Doritos!"

Hewlett-Packard Plan to Lay Off 300 in Pacific Northwest, Printer Test Pages Now Say, "%$#& you, HP!"

The printer giant hopes to outsource jobs to India. Translations for "%$#& you, HP!" made available.

MDRNA Lays Off 30 Percent, Including Company President Who Thought They Were Joking

"Good one, Jim!" Gordon Brandt said when told.

Indian Retailers Lay Off "Non-Performing" Senior Executives, U.S. Counterparts Look Up "Non-Performing"

"That's ludicrous!" said McGinty McCashcow, a $28-million-a-year CEO whose company has lost $200 million this year so far. "Executives are paid for their expertise, their golf game, their liquid lunches and private clubs. Using performance is completely arbitrary."

Help with Career ... from a comic book --- OK, *manga*, fanboy!

I guess I'm a lazy reader, but it took a comic book to make me read some career advice.

The Adventures of Johnny Bunko turned out to be worth the $6 and I'll probably give it to one of my laid-off colleagues after I read it one more time. It's really aimed at Gen Yers and a little light, but gets to the point.

Which is:

1. There is no plan.
2. Think strengths, not weaknesses.
3. It’s not about you.
4. Persistence trumps talent.
5. Make excellent mistakes.
6. Leave an imprint.

Everyday is a Saturday

Today is a Saturday for most people, a day of relaxation away from work. But since I'm away from work all the time, isn't every day a Saturday? I'm on a permanent weekend/vacation/holiday/bender.

I suppose I'm finally over the minute bitterness and bile that I had when looked at my unemployment check and realized, "I'll be making about $1,600 a month . . . for nothing."

I decided to have a party next week. Barbecue, some drinks, some music. Everyone needs a break. And I'm having it on a Saturday ... so normal people can enjoy my everyday life.

Sometimes a Picture Says It All, Man

Job Loss Rates Rise to 6 percent, Highest in Four Years

Job losses in July were the heaviest in industries hard hit by the housing, credit and financial debacles. Manufacturers cut 35,000 positions, construction
companies got rid of 22,000 and retailers shed 17,000 jobs. Temporary help firms — also viewed as a barometer of demand for future hiring — eliminated 29,000 jobs. Those losses swamped job gains elsewhere, including in the government, education and health care.

I mean, how bad does it have to be when temping agencies cut their employees?

Anyway, job seeking is a tiring activity, one filled with boredom and alternating despair. My therapist said I'm happy right now which I don't really see, but whatever. She gets paid until my employer-subsidized COBRA runs out.

I am much more well-rested, though.

(Photo of woman in Menlo Park at JobTrain by AP/Paul Sakuma)

I got my first unemployment check!

All $405 of it. I feel like an equal in my marriage again. Previously I was channeling my June Cleaverness and having dinner on the table for the hubby when he came home and decorating the home with flowers.

I was going to change into a dress, but settled for a clean top and exercise pants. Hey, June, you'd wear a pink tracksuit nowadays anyway. It's what I see all the trophy wives wearing (and yes, June, you would be a trophy wife! Cooking in pearls, my!)

I'm also learning how to shop and use what I buy! (OK, yeah, but we had tons of money before, so if some food was thrown away, no biggie.) Now everything we buy has to have some use and be eaten. The oven-fried chicken I made last night will be our "El Pollo Loco" rip-off chicken tonight.

No, I'm not going all Dave Ramsay, who by the way has some RABID fans. I have no debt to speak of (only $1,200 I'll be reimbursed for in a month) and am not going to spend five hours making my own detergent to save 20 cents a load.

July 31: Misery Loves Company!

Monster Cable Products Inc. in Brisbane, CA is laying off 130 employees

The employees will then have to outwit/run the Chupacabra.

Port of Oakland Laying Off 625

Radioactive Chinese toys and poison pet food suffer.

22,000 Possibly Laid Off by State, Mostly at DMV

DMV workers will have to wait in long lines at EDD.

Cadwalader, Wickersham & Taft Lays Off 96 Lawyers

Finance lawyers find little work when no one has money.

New Zealand Builder Says Business is Great!

It pisses off the 11 workers who he laid off last week.

Xilinx Inc. is laying off 131 in San Jose

That xux.

Misery Loves Company! (July 30)

CA Coastal Commission to Lay Off 46 Staffers Then Go Surfing

Seriously, did you even know there were 125 people working for the Coastal Commission?


Unemployment Insurance Board Fires Top Dog, He Gets Unemployment

But what about who he replaced? "Last year, the San Francisco Chronicle reported that then-board chairwoman Ann Richardson tried to pay a board secretary, Claire Connelly, $10,000 to have a baby for her."

MySpace Lays Off 5 percent of workforce (75)

Now there might be 5 percent less strippers and porn stars adding you to their network.

"Expendable" Versus "Redundant"

I forgot to mention that the company designated people to lay off as "expendable" or "redundant."

I was termed "expendable." I guess I prefer that because I don't like to repeat myself.

I am probably going to "sign away my rights" and get my 2,100 pieces of silver. I may not have a wife and kids, but there's something to be said about moving on and shutting the door on the past.

My main source of amusement is watching my tubby cat, Killcrazy, running up the stairs. She's fit, not fat!

Monday Was Rough

Yes, Monday was rough, but not for the reason that every Monday I used to go to a job where I made money and had benefits --- no, it was because I met with a labor lawyer. One commissioned by our union to give us advice about our severance packages.

So five of us sat there in skanky downtown Oakland, and I got to hear some info mixed with bitterness and anger. I wish I were that mad, but I'm not. I'm just like, "Oh, unless I want a costly lawsuit where I may not win any actual money, I should just sign this?"

The lawyer said, "Ummm, probably, yeah." Go, lawyers!

"But you're young," the lawyer said, "you have 20 to 30 years ahead of you." Yay!

Then I spent $100 on seemingly 10 items of food -- seriously, have you seen the cost of food lately? Damn! ( I can't complain, at least we aren't eating mudcakes like in Haiti.)

Someone there did give me something to think about when she told me about another former coworker who took his blog to another media company and is now getting paid. She was, too. And I thought, "Why can't I? And who's the biggest game in town?"

And yes, since I was having an unexpected burst of self-esteem, I called them and they seemed interested.....holla!

Then finally another company called me after weeks of nothing! Out of the blue, man....The whole day wiped me out.

Misery Loves Company, July 29

Shoe Pavilion files for Chap. 11, cites blisters and corns

Gov Wants to Layoff 2,200 Workers and Place Others on Minimum Wage, But Still Takes Home His $17,681.56 Monthly Salary

300 Pineapple Workers Laid Off in Hawaii, Vacation Pina Coladas in Jeopardy

Misery Loves Company!

Beer Workers Laid Off, No More Beer and Pizza Breaks


Piggly Wiggly to Lay Off 29, Cries "Weeweeweee!" All the Way Home


Nike Lays Off 176 in Oregon, CEO Says "Just Do It!"


Mervyn's On Brink of Bankruptcy, Schoolkids OK, Want Clothes From Macy's

I mean, really, do you admit to shopping at Mervyn's? It's kind of like shopping for clothes at Walgreen's.


This concludes the Misery Loves Company bulletin.

Misery Loves Company!

Unemployment Claims Rise, Feds Avoid Word "Recession"

It was difficult, but "profit-phobic" and "cash-starved" saved the day.


Governator plans to slash state pay to $6.55/hour to balance budget

Gov also plans to reduce all lights to a single flickering candle, put small children to work.


Farmworkers Laid Off, Farmers Save Enough to Head to McDonalds

Although they can't pay their workers, farmers pay farmworkers to protest in Sacramento.


Indian Casino to Lay off 400 in Temecula, All Palefaces

Everyone's a winner, except you, you -- and all 398 of you.


Wachovia Cuts more than 10,000 Jobs after Losing Shirt in Mortgages, CEO Says, 'Hey, whatchagonna do?"

Wachovia loses $9 billion in 2nd quarter, CEO keeps job.


Sacramento's Aerojet to lay off 100, Tries to be Cool Like Big Companies

Next, Aerojet sews designer labels into its clothes, shows off to American Airlines.


The Next Worst Thing To Being Laid Off: Delivering the Bad News .... NOT!!

"OK, that was the worst thing ever! Now I'll drive home in my car to my house I can afford, my wife that will do me and enjoy my employer-assisted healthcare. Whew! I just feel awful."

The Sneeze

I have loud sneezes. I'm always impressed by people who merely go, "Tchoo!" in a demure-like manner into a delicate lace hanky (even the SO does this and he's a guy.) Apparently it's "holding in the sneeze" which I don't understand. How is that healthy? Your snot projection should be wild and free (into a Kleenex or something.)

Anyway, my sneeze apparently is quite violent. Around 4 p.m., when I was perusing want ads on my computer, I had my windows open, the wind was blowing and I was sneezing like crazy. Some woman walking outside on the sidewalk said, "Bless you!"

As I was doing my 24th application, I came across this Web site which shows you "the correct way to sneeze." Instead of using your hands, which will transfer the virus, according to Dr. C, you should utilize the "sneeze in the crook of the elbow" technique. (It's illustrated above.)

You can use it in your next interview and impress the company with your "team player" altruism.

Lay Off Round-Up/Misery Loves Company

Winnebago Lays Off One-Third of Workforce

At least there will be less of the behemoths on the road

Tennessee State Workers Not Taking Buyouts, Will Be Laid Off

Five percent will leave Nashville, take up country music career -- worked for Billy Ray Cyrus

Air Canada Blows Off 187 Jobs

Flight Attendants get the ax, no complimentary peanuts


Starbucks Announces 11 Bay Area Store Closures

Baristas leave to finally finish grad schools, screenplay, growing Grizzly Adams beard


American Airlines to Cut 1,500 Maintenance Jobs, Hopefully Wings Don't Fall Off

Gremlins rejoice, hope to destroy planes easier



Welcome aboard, laidoffers!

How were you laid off?

I was laid off on my way back from the bathroom.

We were told that people would be told by 5 p.m. It was around 3:45 p.m. My boss was skulking around and then pounced. "Do you have a minute?"

"It's me, isn't it?"

"Yeah."

He was plainly uncomfortable with the situation, but what I remember most was, "If you want to leave now, that's fine. The sooner you leave, the sooner I can reassure everyone else that they're safe."

That's when I was like, "Who the f*%$ cares about if others are reassured? I was just laid off!"

From Dealbreaker:

A JPMorgan Chase director paid a visit to 383 Madison this morning to fire all but two analysts from Bear's Latam Research division, telling the peasants, "As you probably realize, we cannot take you on and as you may or may not be aware, JPMorgan decided to keep the headcount the same as before the merger. So now, you are free to look for other jobs."

To Dimon's credit, however, he apparently was instrumental in coming up with the line, "You are free to look for other jobs," which was inspired. (Especially after he asked everyone to stay put for the last several months and requested that other banks hold off on hiring Bear employees until he could decide who would be getting fired.)


From SimplyHired:

I had been working for a mortgage company as a developer for 18 months and things were going well. Then, one day I saw that a different group in my company had just finished up a pot-luck and had some pizza left over. I thought they would probably end up throwing it away and I was kind of hungry so I went for it ... I took a slice of pizza.

Apparently the employees who threw this pot luck were planning to take it home and were offended by my action. Now I thought we were all basically on the same team and if someone didn't like what I did they would tell me so and I would apologize and maybe offer to pay for the pizza. These employees ended up telling their manager, who told her vice president about what I did.

The worst part about this is that I wasn't told about any of this until a month after the incident. No warning, no second chance. I know that I left an impression because to this day my former coworkers refer to unattended pizza as "programmer bait".

Laid-Off News

Woodside Elementary in Menlo Park Lays off Four Positions

Placer County Lays off Eight, More than 200 Positions Left Vacant

Bay Area Guild Fights Layoffs

How to Avoid Being Sued When Laying Off Workers

Come on, you knew I was going to do this one. Let's see what they have to say. Does anything sound familiar?

Review job descriptions and pay scales: Be proactive, take a close look at your company's job descriptions, and do a compensation analysis. Look at the responsibilities associated with each job, and pay attention to industry trends and standards related to those positions. In some cases, it may make sense to set maximum pay rates for certain positions.

Be honest in performance reviews: Make sure that managers are properly trained in how to give objective, fair, and consistent performance reviews, said Vann. Evaluation criteria need to be standardized and properly communicated to supervisors. When making cutbacks, make sure that decisions are based on reasons other than age.

Base decisions on positions, not people: Make sure that you are basing layoff decisions based on the need to eliminate certain positions, not specific people, Gilbert said. “If you're making business decisions based on the position and not the person, you'll keep yourself out of a lot of trouble,” she said. “It's always about the position, not the person.”

Train managers: Make sure managers and supervisors are well-trained in appropriate selection criteria when it comes to layoff decisions – especially if they are involved in identifying employees for layoffs, Vann said. It is important that they know the law, the EEOC, and the recent U.S. Supreme Court ruling.

Establish a review process: Before laying off employees, it's a good idea to benchmark against other companies to find out how they have managed similar layoffs. It's also a good idea to establish an independent internal review board to evaluate the list of employees under consideration for layoffs.

Consult an attorney: Before going forward with any reduction in force, consult a labor and employment attorney and review the list of employees, Gilbert said. Make sure you evaluate whether you are affecting an inordinate number of older workers or employees in other protected classes.

LA TImes lays off more than 100

If you want the unconfirmed numbers, check out Ink-Stained Wretch's Web site with a list of all the names. From LA Observed:

David Haldane was a reporter at the Times for 23 years, the last 16 in Orange County. "Yesterday (Monday) was my last day; I’m gone, gone, gone… as my supervisor accompanied me on the last slow walk down the long dark hall to the HR office, it felt a lot like a long walk to the gallows. I was – and to some extent still am – in shock."

My favorite was this little anecdote, oh-so-typical of muckety-mucks not thinking clearly.

I'm told there was quite a scramble in Sports Monday night when the only two designers on duty were laid off three hours before deadline.

Tacky!

List of Starbucks to Close in July

Here's the list of the first Starbucks to close and baristas out of work (California only.) About 50 stores will be closed this month nationwide.

CALIFORNIA

#9583 - 3506 NATIONAL AVE SAN DIEGO, CA
#10630 - 71743 HWY 111 RANCHO MIRAGE, CA
#10710 - 2801 W FLORIDA AVE HEMET, CA
#10813 - 2692 CANYON SPRINGS PKWY RIVERSIDE, CA
#10888 - 4467 E MISSION BLVD MONTCLAIR, CA
#11029 - 14689 LA PAZ DR VICTORVILLE, CA
#11896 - 1280 SAN JUAN RD HOLLISTER, CA
#13745 - 636 N PACIFIC COAST HWY LAGUNA BEACH, CA

For more information, or to check out other states, go to the corporate Web site.

The angry network engineer exacts revenge (pre-layoff)

Saw this in the Chronicle today. Oh, think of the damage we could have caused .... sigh.

A disgruntled city computer engineer has virtually commandeered San Francisco's new multimillion-dollar computer network, altering it to deny access to top administrators even as he sits in jail on $5 million bail, authorities said Monday. ...

Childs has worked for the city for about five years. One official with knowledge of the case said he had been disciplined on the job in recent months for poor performance and that his supervisors had tried to fire him. ...

As part of his alleged sabotage, Childs engineered a tracing system to monitor what other administrators were saying and doing related to his personnel case, law enforcement officials said.

The waiting

Ah, yes, there's lots of time when you're laid off. As soon as the effect of walking around your home in pajamas without showering for a few days has worn off, it can get a little dull.

Surfing the Internet for jobs ("I can become a magician on Pier 39? But why?") can get dull and you need time to go outside and get all that Vitamin D everyone says is good for you.

Today I noticed two teenagers rolling around the park for the last three hours. They're all dressed in black and I can see them from my window. Maybe 15 or 16. They love their goth freedom. I guess I should, too. Need a skull-and-crossbones T-shirt, though.

In the meantime, I've cleaned out my wallet and am picking up old Kudos wrappers and Kleenex from around my desk. I realized that if someone came into my "home office" they would know a lot about me:

Kudos wrappers (chocolate-covered granola, so tries to be healthy but really wants a Snickers)

Old napkins and Kleenex (slob)

AZO Cranberry pills (OK, lots going on down there)

"Cries Unheard" (book about a child killer, obviously kookoo for kokopuffs)

Sunglasses (trying to hide the dark circles/hangover)

The good things about being laid off....

I am attempting to be positive here. But I guess some of the good stuff about being unemployed is that you get to stay up late. Like now, for instance. It's past 2 a.m. on a Monday morning and the only people around that are up are me and various drunk drivers speeding about.

And you know what? I can get up at noon. No one cares. I can choose not to shower for maybe a week. Who's to know? I could be that hermit lady they find dead in her apartment with 6 tons of old Reader's Digests bound in twine.

I went to Rite Aid this weekend and thought about dyeing my hair purple. Why not? I'm no longer a corporate America cog. I'm unemployed. I'm on the dole. Why not complete the picture?

I am now officially laid off!

I filled out my EDD paperwork online and was contacted by someone in Orange County at 7:10 a.m. who told me they are now working weekends and holidays to keep up with the huge numbers of layoffs. (Take that, economists!)

"It seems like the only one who's hiring is us!" she said. Oh, humor ... I miss thee.

Anyway, because they're overburdened, they basically asked me one question and said, "OK, here's your benefits."

Easy-peasy. So now I will have a week of no money and then $450 a week while I look for a job. In my field? Not likely, so I'm broadening my horizons, like participating in marketing/scientific studies on Craigslist.org. Like this one:

Seeking Females 21-65 for PAID STUDY on Grocery Shopping (Berkeley) ($85)

Are you age 50-59? Shingles Prevention Study (santa rosa) (<$300)

Egg Donors Needed at UCSF---Compensation $7000

There does seem to be a definite jump in pay for the more invasive/creepy stuff.

Being Laid Off

This is my first experience being laid off. I have quit, I have been fired, but I have never been laid off.

I gave myself a week to wallow in self-pity and denial, but I now have to be productive. So I'm starting this journal to amuse myself, hopefully others, and chronicle the growing number of employees severed from employment with a kick in the ass.

I'm a journalist, or former journalist, however you want to phrase it and I was laid off from my media company in California. I'm not identifying who exactly because it's not important. It could be any media company since almost all of them have decided those who create the product are explendable while executives, who simply draw seven figure salaries selling that work, do not get laid off ... and if they do, severance is a lot more than two week's pay. Another reason not to mention them is that it's the past. The future is now what matters.

I have a five-page paper to sign that basically says I promise not to sue said company to get my $1,512 check and 12 weeks of insurance coverage. I have until August to sign it. Should I? I don't know.