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Sunday, October 26, 2008
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Saturday, September 6, 2008
Misery Loves Company (Sept. 6)
Unemployment Rises, Wrong USF Business Professor Acts Like His Prediction Was Right
"The unemployment numbers are consistently coming in higher that expected,'' said Jon B. Fisher, an adjunct professor at USF who previously led three Silicon Valley start-ups -- so obviously he should know all about unemployment.
Governor Fires Students and Keeps Cal Grant Money
Gov. Schwarzenegger decides to slash student jobs and Cal Grants to balance the stalled budget, in hopes that between hooking up and smoking weed college students wouldn't notice.
Fresno County Releases 800 Prisoners and Lays Off 50 to Save Money
Obviously public safety is a drain on upper management, so Sheriff Margaret Mims decided to make it easier on herself and those higher-ups. Unfortunately the prisoners then proceeded to steal the county jail.
Families Overwhelm County Buildings for . . . for these weird things called books and CDs?!?
Archaeologists have uncovered odd buildings in many cities and counties call "libraries," an ancient temple for things called "books" and "CDs."
"I hear that they were kind of like iPods but held, like, only six or seven songs," said Brittnei McJobs. "They're kind of weird." McJobs had no recollection of anything called a book.
"The unemployment numbers are consistently coming in higher that expected,'' said Jon B. Fisher, an adjunct professor at USF who previously led three Silicon Valley start-ups -- so obviously he should know all about unemployment.
Governor Fires Students and Keeps Cal Grant Money
Gov. Schwarzenegger decides to slash student jobs and Cal Grants to balance the stalled budget, in hopes that between hooking up and smoking weed college students wouldn't notice.
Fresno County Releases 800 Prisoners and Lays Off 50 to Save Money
Obviously public safety is a drain on upper management, so Sheriff Margaret Mims decided to make it easier on herself and those higher-ups. Unfortunately the prisoners then proceeded to steal the county jail.
Families Overwhelm County Buildings for . . . for these weird things called books and CDs?!?
Archaeologists have uncovered odd buildings in many cities and counties call "libraries," an ancient temple for things called "books" and "CDs."
"I hear that they were kind of like iPods but held, like, only six or seven songs," said Brittnei McJobs. "They're kind of weird." McJobs had no recollection of anything called a book.
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Top 10 Things to Do When Laid Off (Bay Area)
10. Call employed friends at work and tell them you're wearing "Hello Kitty" pajamas, drinking beer and watching "Oprah." Ask, "How's your day?"
9. Buy loads of beer with your first unemployment check.
8. Stay up until 4 a.m. playing "Spore" and listening to ABBA, wake up at noon and head out to the nearest public park. Lay around on grass with laptop beside you, to make people think you're a rich hipster.
7. Teach cat to walk on a leash.
6. Buy witch hazel for scratches.
5. Write a book. Or lie on the grass with the laptop beside you.
4. Give the gift of life at $100 a cup !
3. Give the gift of life at $8,000 per unpleasant gynecological procedure!
2. Sign up the person who terminated you for embarrassing magazines at the workplace, like American Cheerleader or Twist.
1. Go to a career one-stop, attend a class, and after every key point say in a foreign accent, "Then do I give the happy ending?"
9. Buy loads of beer with your first unemployment check.
8. Stay up until 4 a.m. playing "Spore" and listening to ABBA, wake up at noon and head out to the nearest public park. Lay around on grass with laptop beside you, to make people think you're a rich hipster.
7. Teach cat to walk on a leash.
6. Buy witch hazel for scratches.
5. Write a book. Or lie on the grass with the laptop beside you.
4. Give the gift of life at $100 a cup !
3. Give the gift of life at $8,000 per unpleasant gynecological procedure!
2. Sign up the person who terminated you for embarrassing magazines at the workplace, like American Cheerleader or Twist.
1. Go to a career one-stop, attend a class, and after every key point say in a foreign accent, "Then do I give the happy ending?"
Monday, August 25, 2008
Misery Loves Company (Aug. 25)
Hey, sorry, was on vacation until Saturday. Vacation when unemployed? Well, yes, especially when it was planned months before you were laid off!
Vudu Lays Off 15 Percent of Staff, May Retire Lame Name for Another Start-Up
TiVo tells them to "Suck it!"
DHL Closes Boise Call Center, 105 Workers Can No Longer Lose Track of Packages
"Oh, we will still manage to lose records," said Garn McGoogle, "but just at a much slower pace."
Media Amazed that Laid-Off Wall Streeters Bake Cupcakes, Cut Hair, Tend Bar
A 27-year-old vice president at Bear Stearns opens cupcake biz, another cuts hair in strip mall. I think that's called unemployment for most people.
Abbott Labs to Lay Off 1,000, Leaves Where a Mystery
Spokeswoman said cuts would happen globally (Alameda) but in some super-secret, top secret way.
Whitehall Jewelers Future Looks Cloudy, Mrs. Field's Cookies are Burnt
Mall jeweler, Whitehall Jewelers, will liquidate its 373 stores, leaving customers to buy precious jewels at Walmart or Target. Mrs. Field's files for bankruptcy, leaving customers to bake cookies at home. The humanity!
Vudu Lays Off 15 Percent of Staff, May Retire Lame Name for Another Start-Up
TiVo tells them to "Suck it!"
DHL Closes Boise Call Center, 105 Workers Can No Longer Lose Track of Packages
"Oh, we will still manage to lose records," said Garn McGoogle, "but just at a much slower pace."
Media Amazed that Laid-Off Wall Streeters Bake Cupcakes, Cut Hair, Tend Bar
A 27-year-old vice president at Bear Stearns opens cupcake biz, another cuts hair in strip mall. I think that's called unemployment for most people.
Abbott Labs to Lay Off 1,000, Leaves Where a Mystery
Spokeswoman said cuts would happen globally (Alameda) but in some super-secret, top secret way.
Whitehall Jewelers Future Looks Cloudy, Mrs. Field's Cookies are Burnt
Mall jeweler, Whitehall Jewelers, will liquidate its 373 stores, leaving customers to buy precious jewels at Walmart or Target. Mrs. Field's files for bankruptcy, leaving customers to bake cookies at home. The humanity!
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Misery Loves Company (Aug. 13)
Longoria Leaves IBM Micro, Goes Back to "Desperate Housewives"
Eva Longoria, who also has a doctorate in electrical engineering, leaves IBM to concentrate on "acting."
Lumber Co. Lays Off Last 12 Employees, Celebrate by Clear-Cutting National Monument
Stimson Lumber Company in Montana will cease operations, 25 years after being told the lumber industry wasn't sustainable.
Wachovia Lays Off 600, Will Only Make Loans for $5
"Sure it sounds stupid, but it's about volume," said CEO Bryce McBucks.
Spreckels Sugar Co. Laying Off 202, Nutrasweet does fist-pump of Victory
Spreckels Closes Mendota, Calif. plant leaving a town without refined, processed sweetness. Residents protest possible drop in rate of diabetes.
Eva Longoria, who also has a doctorate in electrical engineering, leaves IBM to concentrate on "acting."
Lumber Co. Lays Off Last 12 Employees, Celebrate by Clear-Cutting National Monument
Stimson Lumber Company in Montana will cease operations, 25 years after being told the lumber industry wasn't sustainable.
Wachovia Lays Off 600, Will Only Make Loans for $5
"Sure it sounds stupid, but it's about volume," said CEO Bryce McBucks.
Spreckels Sugar Co. Laying Off 202, Nutrasweet does fist-pump of Victory
Spreckels Closes Mendota, Calif. plant leaving a town without refined, processed sweetness. Residents protest possible drop in rate of diabetes.
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